Love is…
Valentine’s day is upon us. It makes some miserable and others really happy, some yearning for it and others sun-bathing in it ……No matter which camp you are in at this time, let’s take a moment and contemplate on this a little.
Love your neighbor, as you love yourself
Let’s visit our childhood, if you were raised a Christian, you must have heard,
What happens if they do not learn? what would that look like? That is what humanity through eternity has seen the consequence, for which the remedy has been to focus on love.
And to me the bigger question is, how do children learn to love themselves? What do you think? How do children know they are being loving? How do they know they are loved?
And what is love? Does it change as we age?
Are we loving when we are aggressive or unaccepting or possessive?
Love is non violence or Ahimsa, one of the tenets of Jainism.
Love is accepting or non absolutist or Anekant in Jainism.
Love is non- possessiveness or Aparigraha in Jainism.
My journey tells me love is respect, caring and trusting of self and others. When we experience these qualities in our relationships,, we experience being loved. When we offer these to others, they experience being loved.
So how does a child get there? Get to a place of caring, trusting and respecting themselves and others?
Can one learn if you are not cared for?
Can one learn if you are constantly disrespected?
Can one learn if you are not trusted?
As a young child, did you know how to love yourself or others? Did you feel cared for? Did you feel respected? Did you feel trust? If you did or not you are not alone. It may or not be all the time, and how many times, does each one need?
As a kid, I did not know how to go from a place of misery to a place of equanimity, in a way that is loving to myself and without stopping at a place called self pity.
Love is not about not feeling angry or not feeling sad or not feeling envious or jealous. Love is about what you choose to do when you feel these feelings. I know that now, I learnt it along the way.
I experimented with different ways of getting there. And I do not mean with taking drugs.
What you experienced, you will identify perpetually through life! And what you focus on, is what you experience more of!
I found my path, walked on it, learnt that I got to feel the pain, and acknowledge my humanity, and then be rewarded by seeing it melt away. Does it follow a prescribed timeline? No, how can it? Especially, since we are each of us a unique individual with our unique experiences and unique path to discover our common uniqueness.
Each challenge more difficult than the last. Each requiring we be even more kind to ourselves so at the end of the day we can be kind and kinder to others.
Or we can choose to wallow in self pity, incapable to seeing/ knowing of or feeling others pain or suffering till we are ready to be on a different path.
And admitting my humanness, what does that make me? Does it lower my self esteem? Does it feed my ego? No and No. It makes me human just like every other human on Earth.
If I am like all the other humans, then how am I unique?
I am simultaneously unique and not so unique, my journey to our common uniqueness is unique that is my truth.
Self pity
Having spoken of avoiding self pity, why do Indians and humans in general do not think it is not a virtue. Personally, there is no need of vilification. Presence of one, may take you to recognize and discover the other.
So, what is self- pity?
Excessive, self absorbed unhappiness over one’s trouble [ see Merriam’s dictionary].
Do you want to know more about it? Check here.
Meet people who take themselves seriously, craving drama, living in the past, these are some people engaging in self pity. No judgement. Everyone is where they need to be to go to the next place they need to go to, self compassion in this case. Let’s explore that some more.
To know self compassion, let’s look a little closer at compassion.
Compassion is…
What is compassion?
Sympathetic concern for suffering and misfortunes of others.{ see Merriam’s dictionary].
Do you want to know more about it? Check here.
These are people who understand the suffering of others and feel a strong compulsion to relieve others of their suffering and do something about it.
How about compassion for self, what does it look like? Is it self pity? What do you think?
Self compassion
Self compassion is not self pity.
If not self pity, why not? and if not, then what is self compassion?
Self compassion is noticing your suffering, feeling moved by your suffering and offering warmth, caring and help to yourself and this brings a realization that the suffering is a shared human experience. Read more here about it.
Why is self compassion important?
it allows us to be kind to ourselves.
It is important to be kind to ourselves, cause as we treat ourselves, we treat others.
It is important to acknowledge the pain, feel the discomfort and then let it go. That is when the energy frees up for you to be able to come up with a solution to the problem that caused the suffering.
I am digressing. So, how does one cultivate self compassion? How does one learn to love themselves?
Here are some suggestions.
- Be kind to yourself. As you are to yourself, you are to others.
- Be aware of your thoughts. You are what you think you are, at the end of the day.
- Give yourself permission to be as you are.
- There are others who are suffering too, maybe for different reasons, but suffering nonetheless.
Self love and self compassion
Are they the same? No, they are not.
Self love is……appreciation of self, meeting your needs and not ignoring them for others sake. Read more here.
Self love, when is it narcissism? Narcissism involves making one self feel better by believing someone else is not as good as themselves.
Find some examples here for both, self love and self compassion. Can you make a list of your own examples?
Maybe we did not receive love as a child, one that is full of caring, respect and trust, can we give ourselves that as adults. That would be the journey and on that journey the tools that wll get you there: Self love and self compassion.
Start your journey, share your journey, you are worth it!
Life, a daily exploration 